Last weekend, Chris and I drove seven hours to Dayton, Ohio.

We weren't going for a vacation or a conference. We were there because we love our kids and genuinely want to know the people they love.

My oldest son, Kendall, has a wonderful partner named Scott. Scott's parents were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and more than 100 friends and family members gathered to celebrate with them. People traveled from multiple states to honor a couple who had clearly impacted many lives.

I had met Scott's parents once before and knew almost no one else at the party.

And it was beautiful.

It was also harder than I expected.

I often talk about the "and" in life, and this weekend reminded me why.

There were moments of gratitude and moments of grief.

Moments of joy and moments of longing.

Moments when I felt completely content with my life and moments when I became aware of what I still wish were different.

The older I get, the more I realize that midlife isn't about choosing one feeling over another.

It's about learning to hold both.

Why Are Emotions More Complicated in Midlife?

When I was younger, I assumed life would become simpler as I got older.

I watched my parents and they seemed to settle into a rhythm. Their friends stayed their friends. Their family stayed nearby. Their beliefs were largely shared by the people around them.

Maybe that wasn't entirely true, but that's how it looked from my perspective.

Midlife has been different.

The older I get, the more I realize that life isn't becoming simpler. It's becoming more layered.

We have access to more information than any generation before us. We hear more stories, encounter more perspectives, and are exposed to more ways of living than our parents ever were.

Our children often make different choices than we would have made. Families are spread across the country. Divorce and blended families are common. Friendships shift. Careers change. Parents age. Dreams evolve.

And somewhere along the way, we start looking backward and forward at the same time.

We celebrate what we've built while noticing what never happened.

We feel grateful for what is while mourning what isn't.

We watch our children create lives of their own and realize that some of the roles we've carried for decades are changing too.

I don't think midlife creates more emotions.

I think it simply gives us more opportunities to hold multiple truths at the same time.

And that's exactly what happened to me at that anniversary party. One of the things that surprised me most about the anniversary party was how many emotions surfaced at once.

Watching Al and Marlene celebrate 50 years of marriage was beautiful. More than 100 people gathered to honor them. People traveled from different states to celebrate a couple who had clearly invested deeply in their family, friendships, and community over the years.

And while I was genuinely happy for them, I found myself grieving too.

I realized I will never celebrate 50 years of marriage with someone.

That chapter of my life is gone.

I wasn't expecting that feeling to hit me, but there it was.

For a moment, I found myself imagining what might have been. The milestones I won't experience. The story I thought I was writing years ago that turned out differently than planned.

Then I looked around the room again and realized something important.

Celebrating someone else's joy doesn't require us to ignore our own losses.

Both can exist at the same time.

In fact, I think that's one of the gifts of midlife. We stop pretending life is all one thing or the other.

We learn to make room for both.

Can You Love Your Adult Children's New Life and Miss Their Old One?

There was another emotion that caught me by surprise.

As I watched Kendall interact with Scott's family and friends, it became obvious how loved he is.

People know him.
They enjoy him.
They include him.

As a mom, I couldn't ask for much more than that.

For a few years when he lived in Denver, I worried he didn't have enough people around him who truly saw him. Watching him this weekend reminded me that he does now.

He has found people who love him well.

And yet, if I'm being completely honest, there was another feeling sitting right beside that gratitude.

I realized that Scott's family may feel more like "home" to him than mine does.

That was hard to admit.

Not because our relationship isn't close. It is.

But because parenting adult children requires us to continually release expectations we didn't even realize we were carrying.

I love that my son has found his people.

And I miss the years when home was automatically wherever I was.

Both things are true.

Can You Experience Loss and Love Again?

Years ago, I would have handled one conversation very differently than I did this weekend.

Many of you know that Chris is a widower.

For a long time, conversations about his late wife brought up insecurities in me. If you've ever dated after divorce or loss, you know how complicated those emotions can be.

This time felt different.

Instead of avoiding the topic, I brought it up.

We were talking about the anniversary celebration, and I asked him how many years they would have been married if she were still alive.

"Forty-one," he said.

And for the first time, I felt no need to compare, compete, or protect myself.

Instead, I felt something else.

Grief.

His grief.
My grief.

The grief of losing a spouse.
The grief of losing a marriage.

Different losses.
Different stories.

But grief all the same.

For a few minutes, we made space for both.

Then he smiled and said, "Hopefully we'll get at least 25."

We did the math and laughed about how old we'll be.

And there it was again.

Loss and love.
Grief and hope.
Sadness and joy.

Existing side by side.

What Happens When We Stop Fighting the "And"?

I think much of our suffering comes from believing we should only feel one thing at a time.

If we're grateful, we shouldn't want more.

If we're happy, we shouldn't feel sad.

If we're moving forward, we shouldn't still be grieving.

But life doesn't work that way.

The healthiest people I know aren't the ones who avoid difficult emotions.

They're the ones who make room for them.

They understand that:

You can love your life and want something more.

You can be proud of your children and miss them terribly.

You can celebrate someone else's joy and acknowledge your own loss.

You can heal and still have hard days.

You can experience heartbreak and find love again.

Midlife has taught me that maturity isn't choosing one feeling over another.

It's learning to hold both.

What "And" Are You Living Right Now?

As I drove home from Ohio, I kept thinking about how many women are carrying multiple truths at the same time.

Maybe you're grateful for your marriage and lonely.

Maybe you're excited for your children and heartbroken that they're gone.

Maybe you're proud of the life you've built and wondering what comes next.

Maybe you're healing from something and still carrying pain.

What if you stopped trying to choose which feeling was the "right" one?

What if both things are true?

Take a few minutes this week and ask yourself:

• What am I grateful for right now?

• What am I grieving right now?

• What do I love about my life?

• What do I still long for?

You may discover that the answer isn't either/or.

It's and.

And there is room for both.

Know someone who is holding both gratitude and grief right now?

Share this article with a friend who needs the reminder that two things can be true at the same time.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I feel happy and sad at the same time in midlife?

Because midlife often brings multiple life transitions at once. You may feel grateful for the life you've built while also grieving things that didn't happen, relationships that changed, or dreams that evolved. Feeling both joy and sadness at the same time is not a sign that something is wrong. It's a sign that you're living a full and complex life.

Is it normal to have mixed emotions about adult children?

Absolutely. Many parents feel proud, excited, and grateful as they watch their children build independent lives. At the same time, it's normal to miss the years when your children needed you more or when home felt different. Love and loss often exist side by side during this stage of parenting.

Can grief and gratitude exist together?

Yes. In fact, they often do. You can be thankful for what you have while grieving what you've lost. You can celebrate someone else's joy while acknowledging your own disappointment. Making room for both gratitude and grief is part of emotional maturity and allows us to experience life more honestly.

Why do life transitions feel more emotional in midlife?

Midlife is a season filled with change. Children grow up, relationships evolve, careers shift, parents age, and priorities change. These transitions often cause us to reflect on the past while also thinking about the future. It's common to feel a wide range of emotions as you adjust to new roles, new realities, and new possibilities.

How can I stop feeling guilty for wanting more?

Many women have spent years focusing on the needs of everyone around them. As a result, wanting more connection, purpose, adventure, or fulfillment can sometimes feel selfish. But wanting more doesn't mean you're ungrateful. It simply means you're paying attention to who you are now and what matters to you in this season of life. Curiosity about what comes next is often the beginning of growth.

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